God knows I've been a cassette zealot since I was wearing Garanimals. But Tape Mountain's releases are on the relatively new-fangled CD-R format. Many people have doubts or questions about these new shiny products, so we here at Tape Mountain would like to answer your questions and allay your fears.
Q: Will CD-R's play in all CD players?
A: Unfortunately, Tape Mountain brand CD-R's will not play in all CD players. Some CD players have a broomstick up their ass or something and they refuse to accept today's modern, playing-field-leveling technology. These CD players are tools of the man. If your CD player does not accept Tape Mountain brand CD-R's, please send it to Tape Mountain HQ, where we will subject it to an elaborate and demoralizing reeducation workshop. Do not be surprised, however, if it leaves as a 50-disc changer and comes back as a Fisher-Price record player. Alternately, we can make genuine cassettes. Ask.
Q: I've heard a bunch of alarmist rumors about how CD-R's disintegrate
into useless piles of "bit rot" after x number of years. Is this true, and
if so, how can I preserve my precious Tape Mountain discs?
A: These rumors may or may not be true. But rather than fretting about listening to your precious Celesteville CD in your old age, think about how beautiful it is to be young right now, and how beautiful it is to be listening to Celesteville discs while you are young. Your life shimmers like the back of a CD-R. Your memories of your shining days will be far less poignant when you actually have some physical remnant of them. Trust me. I have to deal with the fact that I was a Raunchy Young Leper every day of my life now.
Q: How can you sell these CD-R's so cheaply?
A: Do you know how much these things cost to make? You, the consumer, are being rooked even at $2 a pop.
Q: Why don't you make more lathe-cut records?
A: They are cool but they sound horrible. That might be acceptable for some applications but my stuff sounds bad enough as is.
Q: Why don't you release real CD's?
A: Releasing "real" CD's (i.e. CD's that aren't burned on my computer at home) requires a minimum pressing of 500. We do not have a trust fund (or, for that matter, a job, at least for now) and we do not have the money to burn that many CDs. Also, the idea of any Tape Mountain CD selling 500 copies is preposterous--that's one for every eleven million people on earth. Do not be silly.
Q: Why don't you yell into a jar and close the lid really quickly and
A: I am one step ahead of you, my friend. However, early experiments with this format have proven unsuccessful. We will refine our production process in months to come, with what will doubtless be successful results.
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