God knows I've been a cassette zealot since I was wearing Garanimals. But Tape Mountain's releases are on the relatively new-fangled CD-R format. Many people have doubts or questions about these new shiny products, so we here at Tape Mountain would like to answer your questions and allay your fears.
Q: Will CD-R's play in all CD players?
A: Unfortunately, Tape Mountain brand CD-R's will not play in all CD players.
Some CD players have a broomstick up their ass or something and they refuse
to accept today's modern, playing-field-leveling technology. These CD players
are tools of the man. If your CD player does not accept Tape Mountain brand
CD-R's, please send it to Tape Mountain HQ, where we will subject it to an
elaborate and demoralizing reeducation workshop. Do not be surprised, however,
if it leaves as a 50-disc changer and comes back as a Fisher-Price record
player. Alternately, we can make genuine cassettes. Ask.
Q: I've heard a bunch of alarmist rumors about how CD-R's disintegrate
into useless piles of "bit rot" after x number of years. Is this true, and
if so, how can I preserve my precious Tape Mountain discs?
A: These rumors may or may not be true. But rather than fretting about listening
to your precious Celesteville CD in your old age, think about how beautiful
it is to be young right now, and how beautiful it is to be listening to Celesteville
discs while you are young. Your life shimmers like the back of a CD-R. Your
memories of your shining days will be far less poignant when you actually
have some physical remnant of them. Trust me. I have to deal with the fact
that I was a Raunchy Young Leper every day of my life now.
Q: How can you sell these CD-R's so cheaply?
A: Do you know how much these things cost to make? You, the consumer, are
being rooked even at $2 a pop.
Q: Why don't you make more lathe-cut records?
A: They are cool but they sound horrible. That might be acceptable for some
applications but my stuff sounds bad enough as is.
Q: Why don't you release real CD's?
A: Releasing "real" CD's (i.e. CD's that aren't burned on my computer at
home) requires a minimum pressing of 500. We do not have a trust fund
(or, for that matter, a job, at least for now) and we do not have the money
to burn that many CDs. Also, the idea of any Tape Mountain CD selling
500 copies is preposterous--that's one for every eleven million people on
earth. Do not be silly.
Q: Why don't you yell into a jar and close the lid really quickly and
release that?
A: I am one step ahead of you, my friend. However, early experiments with
this format have proven unsuccessful. We will refine our production process
in months to come, with what will doubtless be successful results.